(Straight) Ladies, the Smarter You Are the More Likely You Are To Die Alone, Says Yet Another Person

by | July 23, 2015
filed under Feminism

Photo of woman walking, head down, holding shopping back

It’s a day that ends in Y, which means that yet another article about the living hell of being a single woman has been published, this time over at Elite Daily.

“Ladies, The Smarter You Are, The More Likely You Are To Be Single” reads the headline of this completely spurious article by Lauren Martin. She begins by comparing the dating landscape with mounting an expedition into the arctic tundra because Reasons.

Smart (straight) ladies, it’s a tough world out there…full of challenging course-loads, full-time jobs, activism, volunteering, fulfilling friendships, interesting hobbies, satisfying travel, all of which Martin fails to mention. Her reason it’s tough is because the world is full of “first dates, bad sex and limited chances at orgasms.”

Some first dates are awkward, but that doesn’t mean they will lead to sex, bad or otherwise. Mail-order sex toys and an internet full of sex-positive porn means we can spend all our leisure time having history making orgasms without ever having to go on a date. Who needs another person to have an orgasm? Read this article and learn that masturbation is glorious!

“Intelligence,” Martin writes, “keeps us from the promise [sic] land.” The promise land, presumably, is heterosexual marriage, which is denied smart women because they insist on discussing Nietzsche and reading Proust aloud on Friday nights.

Nietzsche and Proust, ladies. That’s what you’re using your giant brains upon. Not a feminist analysis of The Avengers or the best new Afro-futurism story or news or politics. No, you bore men to tears with your obsession with existentialism and one French man’s extreme attention to detail. If only you could turn off your giant brain and put down the philosophy and dumb yourself down to talk about his career or team or mom or ex.

Martin wrings her hands asking why men don’t want women with whom they can converse. She then answers this question without interviewing any men or asking any experts but instead quotes from several execrable articles such as this gem from the Daily Mail:

“Successful women will have to ‘marry down’ by choosing partners less qualified than them – and may increasingly select men based on how supportive they might be to their careers, rather than whether they can support them financially.”

Less qualified than them at…life? Why assume that a woman wants to be financially supported? Why is that more desirable than the very reasonable wish to have a partner who supports your career? Apparently, smart equals single and single is the worst. But wouldn’t that mean married equals dumb and probably slutty as well? Women who make dinner for their male partners and support their careers are stupid and therefore marriageable. Women who prioritize their own careers are too intelligent to date. No one can win! All is lost!

Martin inevitably trots out slut-shaming, right on cue: “Smart women are being dumped for girls with shirts that show a little too much skin and platform heels.” Of course! Only dumb, slutty women would dare wear heels, because platform heels always lead to menz stealing!

Aside from the aforementioned links, Martin cites the results of a study of 121 people that found that women with high intelligence were predicted to cause problems in a relationship. Unfortunately, Martin neglects to link to this study or to explain what exactly those problems might be. We will never know! Is it all that Proust? Is it our failure to wear enough platform shoes?

“This is not to come at women with boyfriends” (by implying that they are stupid) “but to assuage that nagging, pestering pain all intelligent women feel” (the pain of striving for equality in the patriarchy?)  “as men” (gosh darn it, not one woman ever?) “continually take them out to dinner” (continually! It’s a veritable perpetual motion machine of dinner invites up in here!), “have a great time then decide they’re not worth the work.”

Thank goodness Martin is looking out for all the smart ladies! She asks: “Where’s the man who was supposed to challenge you and understand you?” Because we’ve all been waiting around for that mythical man. Like Prince Charming, only smart! If only that man would show up, our entire lives would have meaning. Never mind that our days are chock full of purposeful activities and we ourselves are substantial, useful people that don’t require another person to prop up our self-worth. Where? Is? The? Man?

“Where’s the man who was supposed to shock you and support you?” she bemoans our collective manless fate. Um, shock you? Who asked to be shocked? Is that a good thing? No wonder all smart women are single. They didn’t know they were supposed to be yearning for shock AND support! Where is “shocking” on the Cosmo quiz of best qualities in a boyfriend?

“Intelligence breeds ambition, which breeds neglect. Neglect for love, boyfriends and years spent pursuing that MRS Degree…Neglect in college, focusing on studies rather than finding a man and neglect at work, refusing to spend nights out at bars and clubs.” Finding a man is your duty. It is the duty of all women everywhere to find a man. You, without a man, are a zero. You, without a man, are not even an actual person. Refusing to spend nights in bars and clubs to find a man is to neglect your duty as a woman.

“Unfortunately…other women capitalized on their youth, snatching up all the boyfriends and husbands while they focused on building their careers.” What about women who never cared about a man, ever? They don’t exist! Young women are hoarding all the men! They are the real enemy! They are sitting like dragons atop mountains of the crushed and broken bodies of boyfriends and husbands, eating their bones. Forever will we roam the planet like it’s the arctic tundra, living empty, wasted lives because younger women ate all the dang men. Whatever will we do?

“Women went into college with an intent to come out wives, slowly but steadily snatching up the number of available men for all those women who chose to attack their professional dreams.”

There are only two reasons to go to college and both of them are wrong. Professional dreams are for smart, boring, masculine and emasculating women, while snatching up all teh available menz is for the dumb but conniving sluts who have ruined marriage for everyone.

Ladies! Your successful career is only giving you the dating sadz. Your giant brain exists only for the purpose of shrivelling testicles. In fact Martin writes, “big minds are like big balls.” Because there are two things in the world adult men fear most: women’s giant brains and other men’s genitalia.

Martin has in no way has solved the crisis of menzlessness for all the smart ladies. She concludes her post with this nonsensical statement:

“Society has come to teach women that being funny and smart won’t get you dates, but empty heads and shallow hearts.”

If you can make something intelligible of that sentence, you are probably wasting your intellect on Nietzsche.

Photo “Life is difficult” by Scott MeltzerOwn work. Licensed under Public Domain via Wikimedia Commons.

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