FFFF: More Historically-Accurate Disney Princess

Rachel Bloom’s cartoon points out being a Disney princess and finding a prince would be a lot less cool if it were historically-accurate.

Lyrics (after the jump):

At sunset I wander through the village.
Glowing in the twilight and so quiet.
Well, it’s quiet ’cause most people died of a plague
Caused by jealous witches.

I wander through the village and I think
That my life is missing something dear
As I stop to rest and cough up blood I wonder:
When will I find my prince?

I wander through the village and I notice
That everyone but me has found a love.
There goes the blacksmith with his daughter/wife
Ten years old and pregnant with her brother/son.

I wander through the village sighing deeply.
Seeking guidance from the statue in the square.
It’s a statue of Christ adorned with thief hands
Oh when will I find my prince?

SPOKEN:
Oh look, everyone, it’s my friends from the forest, the Jews. Hello, Jews! You know, I never did ask you: why do you live in the forest? Oh, I see, to hide from people trying to kill you. Well that’s very resourceful, my beaky little friends. Tell me: have you ever had a dream that wouldn’t come true? Oh, I see, your dream is that people WON’T want to kill you. Well, that’s definitely a dream that won’t come true! Oh, goodbye, goodbye! JEWS.

Ohhhhh if I found my prince
We’d have a wedding elegant and rare.
We’d dine on kidney cream and horse vagina
Drink champagne and torture a bear.

Ohhhhhh if I found my prince
The castle would be filled with love and laughter
And he’d fill me with his seed, forcibly and rough
I’d give birth to a son and then die right after!

I wander through the village seeking answers.
But love hasn’t given me a glimpse!
It isn’t in this shop or in this cart of baby corpses
Oh, when will I find my prince?
When, hand Jesus?!
Oh, when will I find my prince??

(h/t Sociological Images)