What’s Wrong with the Old People These Days?

by | September 24, 2010
filed under Can-Con

You know, there are so many young people like myself out there trying to make the world a better place. But honestly, when I try to work with old people on these issues, I just can’t figure out where they’re coming from. No offense if you’re a person over 40, since I’m sure you’re one of the exceptions, but more and more I’m asking myself: what’s wrong with the old people these days? Here’s what I’ve come up with:

  1. They can’t assemble Ikea furniture. Sure, neither can I, but nor am I going to get a professional service to help me. What’s the point of getting a $20 bookcase if you pay $30 to have someone put it together for you? I’d much rather have a screw or two sticking awkwardly out of one side. That’s the side that goes against the wall, old people.
  2. They always tell us how much bigger we’ve grown since we saw them last, which is pretty rude considering we never mention how much smaller they are since we saw them last.
  3. They spent decades guzzling gas, inventing and selling products full of things like BPA and phthalates and trans fats, and spraying their lawns with pesticides, and then think young people are the ones who don’t care about health or the environment.
  4. They kinda smell like oatmeal.
  5. They think the following things are the spawn of the devil, or at least evidence of a serious moral decline in our society: text messaging, Facebook, Twitter, Wi-Fi, ebooks, Ipads, email, cell phones, pagers, walkie-talkies, laptops, desktops, cordless land-line phones, and reallyany electronic device that runs on less than 6 size-D batteries.
  6. Bill O’Reilly is an old person. I rest my case.

    The ones who don’t think Facebook is evil (2.8% of old people, by my calculation) spend their time Face-stalking you, posting embarrassing comments on your wall, thereby warding off any future love interests. Stop it, mom!

  7. They told us all that we all needed to go to university to get a degree, any degree, then wonder why we don’t have anywhere to hang our relatively-useless diploma but on the wall of our room in their basement while we pay off our massive student loan debts working at Subway because they couldn’t just freakin’ retire!
  8. They’re named things like Gord and Judy and Donna and Vern.
  9. They forget what they were like when they were our age.
  10. They elected Stephen Harper. Twice.
  11. They think any young person (they mean someone under 40) is representative of all young people, so they’re always making ridiculous generalizations about us.
  12. They’re always saying to us, “No offense, but what’s wrong with the young people these days?”


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