Review: All Men Are Jerks *Until Proven Otherwise by Daylle Deanna Schwartz

by Roxanna Bennett

All Men are Jerks *Until Proven Otherwise, a self-help dating book by Daylle Deanna Schwartz, sinks victim-blaming to new depths. From the back cover where the author states: “Men really can be jerks* but only if you let them” to this choice quote: “Look at all the abused women who stay! They say it’s okay to abuse them by not leaving”, Schwartz repeatedly attempts to hammer home the idea that women are weak, needy, dependent, and frankly, stupid, while men are manipulative douche-bags…but only because women let them be.

Schwartz’s intention was to create an empowering book for women wanting to take control of their lives. Instead she has shifted the blame from the poor behaviour of others back onto the person who is treated badly. In this case, women. All women, everywhere. In a cultural landscape where women fight desperately for pay equity, respect, bodily autonomy and authority, Schwartz strips away the social constructs that make this fight a necessity and shoves fault back down the throats of women.

Schwartz positions herself as a woman scorned by the father of all douchebags but blames herself for letting Him (her capitalization throughout the book) treat her badly. This is the foundation of her philosophy. Men take advantage of women because women let them. Women need to stop letting men manipulate them by buying them flowers, talking them into having sex without condoms, standing them up on dates, and outright abusing them. Women are needy. We apparently fall to pieces over a few daisies and have no trouble putting out without condoms because we’re so horny we think with our vaginas instead of our brains. Brains, it seems to Schwartz, are lacking in women.

Her suggestions for self-empowerment are pretty standard. Love yourself. This includes a shockingly almost progressive chapter on masturbation – almost progressive because while Schwartz says there’s nothing wrong with promiscuity, you need to wait and let a man earn your trust before you put out for him (a little sprinkling of slut-shaming to go with her victim-blaming). Build your self-esteem through affirmations. Tap into your spirituality. Accept yourself. Then learn to say no to jerks, you hussy.

This ridiculously simplistic idea is insulting to anyone who has ever navigated the complexity of a romantic relationship. The heteronormative stereotype of men and women dating make this book read like a long Cosmpolitan or Men’s Health magazine article. Hello! Schwartz has been quoted in both magazines, and has appeared on both Oprah and the Howard Stern show, peddling her brand of blame shifting disguised as self-empowerment.

Books like this one contribute to a culture that allows shame to fester, releases true abusers from the consequences of their actions by telling women, not only should you have known better, but it’s your fault he treated you badly. Reading this book help a few readers examine their own patterns of behaviour for improvement but it has the very real potential for causing more damage than good by reinforcing what the world already tells us: men are jerks because women want them to be.

Posted on March 18, 2013 by jarrahpenguin in Feminism Leave a comment

Downton Abbey’s Lessons for Ladies

by Roxanna Bennett

-Spoiler Alert to end of Season 3-

The third season of Downton Abbey is over. We feminist fans shed some tears when Lady Sybil died, cheered when under-butler Thomas Barrow informed Mr. Carson his lifestyle is “not revolting” and learned a lot more about what it means to be a Lady.

We learned that it’s difficult but not impossible to challenge the social norms (Mrs. Crawley helps Edith move from sex work to domestic employment), that older women may be romantically pursued but it’s sometimes a relief to turn down a suitor (Mrs. Patmore is wooed by a player who wants a captive cook, Mrs. Crawley deftly shuts down Dr. Clarkson). We discovered that slut-shaming is an old tradition (Lady Mary, Lady Rose, Edith, pretty much every unmarried woman in Downton gets a taste of this at some point or another) and that sometimes challenging class and station in life works out for the best (Sybil and Tom), huzzah!

Below are 10 Georgian-era life lessons about femininity and ladyhood we learned from the women of Downton Abbey.

Appearance is everything

It’s imperative that, as a Lady, you spend several hours a day being dressed and undressed for various meals and events and that you sit still as you are groomed, brushed, petted and scolded in front of a mirror that will highlight your every fault and charm. Eating dinner with your family is the high point of your otherwise meaningless existence and heaven help the Lady who is not suitably attired.

Always a doctor’s wife, never a doctor

Yes, you spent years a trained nurse and were married to a doctor and competently treated patients and understood as much as your late husband about medical procedures. That’s all well and fine, but you’re a widow and a Lady and therefore, shut up and stop with the whining about saving the lives of dying patients with your fancy, think-you-know-better than the Man Doctor ideas.

Know your place!

A chauffeur should never sleep with a Lady, but if he does convince her to marry him, he’ll be reluctantly received as one of the family with all the money and comfort that entails. If a woman, however, sleeps above her station, such as a housemaid sleeping with an enlisted officer who happens to be convalescing in the home of her employer, look forward to a life of shame, hunger and misery. It’s alright for a man to marry up but not for a woman. If you are a Lady you are expected to find a consort within your class, and not make merry with farmhands or – far worse – editors and publishers, who are so gauche as to be inconceivable as marriage material.

Being a sex worker is contagious

A sex worker is the lowest form of life. Serving her in your shop is to invite shame upon yourself, your business and your family. Associating with a sex worker means that you, too, are also a sex worker because prostitution is contagious. Employing a sex worker as anything other than a sex worker is to allow your home or business to become defiled with her dirty ways. Never mind the reasons that she became a sex worker, (because you fired her for sleeping above her station [see #8, Know Your Place] and then she got pregnant and had no way to feed her bairn because you FIRED HER) now she is worse than trash and anyone seen speaking to her is assumed to also be frolicking in the muck of unwed intercourse. Read more

Posted on February 25, 2013 by jarrahpenguin in Feminism, Pop Culture 1 Comment

My Reality: How to Become an Orphan

Child's_drawing by Roxanna Bennett

[Trigger Warning for discussions of child rape and molestation]

I divorced my entire family in 2005 and it was the healthiest action I’ve ever taken for myself.

In 2004, I started getting panic attacks every time the phone rang. I had never had them before so at first I was convinced I was dying, that I was having a heart attack or something was wrong with my brain. I broke out in hives a lot. Had nightmares. Found myself spending entire days in bed, just staring at the ceiling, unable to play with my son. Sometimes making his dinner and staring slack-jawed at the television was a challenge. I’m not sure when I made the connection between what was happening in my family and what was happening with me but when I came to the realization that they were the source of my pain, I had no choice. It was them or me. My son or my mother. I chose my ability to function as a healthy parent over the feelings of my family and this is why.

I was raped by my uncle, my mother’s brother, when I was four years old. My mother is an identical twin, her sister was like a second mother to me. My biological mother was distant, anxious, sometimes cold. Her sister, my aunt, was more outgoing, warmer. My mother moved out of the province when I was 18 and it was my aunt who was my source of support during my early adulthood. She nursed me when I was sick, let me sleep on her couch when I had nowhere to go. She stayed with my son every night for a year while I put myself through night school. We were very close.

My uncle, who had damaged me beyond measure when I was a child, had been living in British Columbia for years when I made the decision to orphan myself. And this is why, and it sounds small to say it but it wasn’t, it was because of a family vacation. Read more

Posted on February 4, 2013 by jarrahpenguin in My Reality 19 Comments

Panel: On Cynthia Nixon and Choosing to be Gay

Cynthia Nixon

The other week Cynthia Nixon caused quite a stir when she told the New York Times:

“I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience, and it included the line ‘I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better.’ And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice. And for me, it is a choice. I understand that for many people it’s not, but for me it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me. A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out. I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not. … Why can’t it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate? It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think that they should define the terms of the debate. I also feel like people think I was walking around in a cloud and didn’t realize I was gay, which I find really offensive.”

Here’s what Gender Focus contributors had to say about the remarks and ensuing controversy:

Jessica:

I don’t think the idea of being gay as a choice hurts the gay rights movement. I find myself talking about gay rights pretty frequently, and even among people who are against homophobia and bigotry, I’ve heard people say things like “It’s not even like they have a choice about it!” I understand that is meant to be nice, but it could actually be understood as pretty condescending.

That line of thinking sounds to me like, if homosexuality were a choice, then it would be fine to discriminate against homosexuals, which is absurd. It also puts heterosexuality on a pedestal, with the idea that if they had a choice, obviously they would be straight, right? It’s not their fault they’re gay, they can’t help it! If they could, they’d be straight like us, poor things. Like it’s some sort of disability. I understand that not everyone feels this way, that many people never chose to be gay the same way I never chose to be straight. But if someone wants to choose to be gay, it shouldn’t matter. They are still be entitled to human rights. Read more

Posted on January 30, 2012 by jarrahpenguin in Feminism, LGBT, Pop Culture 2 Comments

Panel: Vancouver School Board Controversy

This is our second Gender Focus panel post, where we get responses from different contributors on pressing issues and news. The events we’re looking at in this post revolve around the Vancouver Board of Education’s anti-homophobia policy, and specifically the appearance in controversial videos for anti-same-sex marriage groups of two Vancouver School Trustees, Ken Denike and Sophia Woo.

According to the Georgia Straight:

The Vancouver School Board passed a motion Monday (January 16) to re-affirm its support for the district’s anti-homophobia policy, as it voted to censure two NPA trustees for their comments that surfaced in controversial videos last month[...]

Bacchus said the censure motion arose from what she called the “mis-representation” of the board’s anti-homophobia policy through comments made by NPA trustees Ken Denike and Sophia Woo.

The first video that surfaced last month featured Denike and Woo speaking about their concerns with an anti-bullying booklet for teachers published in 2006. The second video was filmed at a Christian Social Concern Fellowship gathering, and featured Denike and Woo speaking about possible changes to the school curriculum involving LGBT issues, and implying that Vancouver only has a general anti-discrimination policy, and not a specific anti-homophobia policy.

The part of the issue that bothered me most is that the footage was filmed before last November’s election (when Denike and Woo were re-elected) but it didn’t surface until after. This had people like me questioning whether they still would have been elected if it had. In nearly Burnaby the homophobic Parents’ Voice party was routed at the polls in the same election.

But others accept at least Denike’s insistence that he is not homophobic or opposed to anti-bullying measures. Xtra reports Denike told them “his intention was to ensure that parents get a choice in what their children are exposed to in schools. He noted that parents can remove their children from personal health classes as long as the curriculum aims are fulfilled elsewhere.” But the GF contributors weren’t as forgiving. Read more

Posted on January 19, 2012 by jarrahpenguin in Feminism 1 Comment

What Do You Get When You Put Fox News and AskMen Together?

The Fox News website reposted an article from AskMen in their Health section titled “5 Feminist Demands She Wants You to Ignore.” Generally articles filed under health are about improving one’s diet and preventing heart disease, not perpetuating heteronormative gender myths.

It’s astounding how many put-downs and insults can be crammed into one five point post.

Here are the five “myths” followed by opinions feminists would very much like AskMen to be aware of.

1. “I can carry my own bag.”

AskMen tells us that the only way a woman can perform general household maintenance is by hiring someone else to do the job. They use the phrase “your girl” several times, as though your partner is a possession much like your shoes or your car. Apparently only the “right” girl (whatever that means) will inspire basic courtesy in a man, including carrying heavy bags. Truly, women really want men to fetch, carry and fix. All women are LYING when they say they are capable of doing something by themselves but never, ever suggest to them that they can’t. We all know how helpless they are, but they turn into bitches when called on it.

2. “Don’t objectify me.”

According to this “myth”, women are LIARS when they say they aren’t impressed by compliments about their appearance. Because every woman likes to hear the words “I’d tap that” or “I’d hit that” in appreciation of their appearance. Who doesn’t love threats of physical violence that are meant to indicate how fuckable a man thinks a woman looks? Women are LIARS because if they weren’t secretly so desperate to be objectified the fashion and beauty industries would implode overnight. The number one priority of all women is increasing their fuckability quotient; if not to please men then at least for the sake of the economy.

3. “I’ll pay my share.”

Funny, I’ve only ever heard those words from men who then failed to do exactly that. Your girl, you know, the one you own like shoes or a pet or a bong, earns enough money to chip in once in a while but you should still pay for her. Apparently your woman earns $55 000 a year, almost 70% of your salary. So sometimes you should pay for her but sometimes not. She doesn’t really want to fork over any cash but seeing as how she makes so much money now that she’s emancipated it’s only fair to split the tab. Why should you be the only one tossing around Benjamins? But only pay her way if you know for sure she’ll pick up the tab at some unspecified, undetermined time of your choosing. If she doesn’t at least reach for her wallet half the time a cheque appears, don’t waste money on her, you playa, you. But you should definitely, sometimes, treat your girl. Like when you buy your dog a new bone. Read more

Posted on January 12, 2012 by jarrahpenguin in Feminism Leave a comment

Hotline for Harassed Women RCMP Officers

Today a national hotline will be implemented for female RCMP officers and others who have experienced sexual harassment at the hands of the police. The service will be staffed by Battered Women’s Support Services, offering confidential emotional support and referrals to legal services.

The launch of the service was spurred by the public statements of Cpl. Catherine Galliford in advance of her testimony at the Missing Women’s Inquiry. Galliford expressed that she wishes the option of a hotline had been available to her while she was working on the force. She said: “Female police officers are incredible public servants and the general public is only starting to hear about the harassment that we go through. It can break you, and then if you need help, it’s very hard to find.

A phone line, with confidentiality and referral to counselling, and medical and legal help, is an excellent idea. I went to every doctor on the planet,” Galliford continued, saying the RCMP’s internal employee assistance program leaked her medical files to the RCMP and did not offer her any help with her situation or ongoing emotional issues. Galliford has post-traumatic stress disorder and agoraphobia and has been on sick leave for the past four years. Her illness is a direct result of the continual sexual harassment she suffered during her 16 year career with the RCMP.

The harassment began before she entered the force. In 1991, having started her training with the force the year before, Galliford was stalked by an RCMP officer. Allegedly, the officer stalking her told her that if she did not have sex with him he would stop her from getting onto the force.

Galliford joined the Missing Women’s Task Force in 2001 with the intention of hunting down a serial killer that was preying on women in the Downtown Lower Eastside of Vancouver. She was the public spokesperson for the Air India bombings and the Pickton case.

Galliford will be testifying at the Pickton Inquiry in January with the support of police psychologist Mike Webster and she intends to “name names.” Galliford said the RCMP had enough evidence for a search warrant for the Pickton farm in 1999 but did nothing. Fourteen women were murdered by Robert Pickton between 1999 and 2002. In 2002, Pickton was arrested for an unrelated charge when junior officer Nathan Wells obtained a search warrant related to illegal firearms.

Galliford released a 115-page statement to the RCMP detailing the apathy, misogyny, and discriminatory conduct of both the Vancouver Police Department and the RCMP after the formation of the Missing Women Task Force. In her statement Galliford says that members of the Task Force watched porn and left work early to drink and engage in sexual liaisons. In an interview Galliford said of her former colleagues: “They would break between noon and 2 p.m. PT to just drink and party and go for lunch, but then they would go back to work on Friday and claim double-time.There was a police indifference and that, I believe, is why it went on for so long [to catch Pickton], and why so many women lost their lives.”

Soon after joining the force, Galliford found enough evidence for a search warrant but her discovery was met with indifference.

“The minute I read that file I could have put everything together for another search warrant and nothing was done. It was concluded. You had a lot of other potential suspects, but in this certain file, we had enough for another search warrant. He wasn’t a potential suspect. He was a suspect and there is a difference in the police world. At that time in the investigation, Pickton was the only one. There were potential suspects, but Pickton was the only suspect.”

Galliford said the file contained evidence of guns, women’s clothing, government I.D., and an asthma inhaler that belonged to one of the missing women. Instead of obtaining a warrant to search the farm, senior RCMP staff curtailed surveillance at the farm. Galliford attributes this disinterest with the systemic misogynistic culture of the RCMP.

A particularly disturbing form of harassment occurred for Galliford as the details of the Pickton murders began to emerge. Other members of the Task Force had a “fantasy” about Galliford that they insisted on sharing with her. In an interview she said:

“They wanted to see Willie Pickton escape from prison, track me down and strip me naked, string me up on a meat hook and gut me like a pig. And they actually started laughing and fist-tapping each other.” Read more

Posted on November 28, 2011 by jarrahpenguin in Can-Con, Feminism, Politics 6 Comments

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