My Reality: Being the “Other Woman”

by Phoebe Vaccaro

I had sex with a married man and I don’t feel at all badly about it. Now before you get all judge-y, as I’m sure you’ll be wont to do, let me explain myself a little.

There was a time when sleeping with someone who was attached – married, in a relationship, whatever it was – was entirely outside of my realm of comfort. It was an absolute no-go for me, especially after what I went through with my last relationship (quick recap: my ex had been cheating on me, in my house, in my bed with his boss for months, before finally telling me – and only finally doing that, via frigging Facebook, nonetheless, because he’d knocked her up). So I was hypersensitive to such circumstances for a while.

But then, somewhere along the way, I somehow became less dogmatic about my reticence to sleep with attached men…and then suddenly, I found myself in bed with a married man and not feeling at all badly about it. How’d I get to this point?

Firstly, the marital troubles of two people aren’t on me. Sure, I’m probably not helping by getting involved, even if only peripherally, but to be honest I don’t really feel like I ought to have to check every man for a marriage license before jumping into bed with him.

This man was incredibly sexy. I met him at a bar, we got to talking, and we left the bar together. It wasn’t until we were on our way to his friend’s house that it came out that he was married. I was looking forward to the casual rendezvous, but when I discovered he was married I started to have second thoughts. After a short conflict within myself, I decided I was going to do it anyway. I didn’t know how often this man sleeps around on his wife. I didn’t know anything about their relationship. What I did know is that I am not the cause for whatever had him out seeking sexual relations with other women. Read more

Posted on March 14, 2013 by jarrahpenguin in My Reality 13 Comments

The Mythical Dearth of Marriageable Men

by Jasmine Peterson

You know what I’m tired of? I’m tired of being told that, because I’m a feminist, I am the reason that men are oppressed, women are lonely, men won’t marry women, or vice versa, and that the end of men is nigh.

No! Feminism and feminists have not caused some catastrophic imbalance in the dating universe. We are not the reason that people marry later in life, or not at all (or, if we are, it’s only in that people have been afforded greater choice in whether or not they DO marry, when they do it, and why they do it). In fact, what feminism has done is provide both men and women with options – you can marry, if you so choose, not out of economic necessity, not out of some patriarchal ownership of your lady love, but because you genuinely want to.

There is nothing about Suzanne Venker’s piece “The War on Men” that is not highly offensive – to women, to men, to feminists, to anybody or anything that is a living, breathing organism.

Maya over at Feministing does a great job of highlighting ten of the major ways in which Venker’s article is entirely ridiculous. For example, it’s discriminatory (e.g., ignoring the existence of anyone who is not cisgender and heterosexual), ignores more recent and accurate data on trends in marriage, and makes sweeping generalizations about men and women.

Let’s just address some of the major flaws in Venker’s argument:

“Believe it or not, modern women want to get married. Trouble is, men don’t.”

Except that that’s not true. That’s a dated, played out stereotype that taps into discourses of a woman needing to bag a man before she’s old and unmarriageable and the myth of the emotionally distal male. It plays upon women’s fears of ending up alone, and reinforces that perhaps there’s something fundamentally wrong with those women who aren’t or don’t want to get married. Read more

Posted on December 5, 2012 by jarrahpenguin in Feminism 5 Comments

FFFF: Mr. Deity Creates Marriage

Mr. Deity explains his thinking in coming up with the definition of marriage.

-Jarrah

Posted on August 17, 2012 by jarrahpenguin in FFFF Leave a comment

Man Showers: Redefining or Reinforcing Masculinity?

Heather Klem is a reading addict, yoga enthusiast and feminist and body image blogger located in South Florida. She rails against our culture’s narrow definitions of beauty, the destructive idealization of thinness and the mass marketing of packaged perfectionism that leave women and men feeling inadequate and shameful about their bodies and themselves. Heather believe in empowering and educating our youth on harmful media messages and limiting social systems that call them to equate their self-worth with appearance and body size; instead equipping them with tools that support healthy self esteem, positive body image and individuality.

There are few customs more gender ritualized in Western society than those associated with the wedding planning process. The wedding industry, a money making monolith boasts 40 billion a year in revenue. It is a seemingly untouchable empire wrought with timeless tradition, cultural significance and deeply embedded gender stereotypes. The contemporary wedding has become a veritable commodity and multiple pre-nuptial parties are par for the course.

The usually hyper-feminized bridal shower in particular is one of the tried and true traditions that centers on the bride and typically precludes the groom. In recent years, men, ever the gender-busting pioneers, have expressed their desire to cash in on the fun. And thus was born the “man shower” or – in some crowds – “bro baths” or “man gatherings”. Read more

Posted on May 27, 2012 by jarrahpenguin in Feminism Leave a comment

The Muppets Treads a Fine Line on Women’s Roles

Can I just say I’ve been ridiculously excited about the new Muppet movie for months? The fact that Flight of the Conchords‘ Bret McKenzie would be writing songs, and all the parody trailers only psyched me even more:

Luckily, the film was just as awesome as I had hoped. The Muppets tells the story of Walter, a Muppet with a human brother Gary (Jason Segel). As they grow older, obsessed Walter, who’s become a big fan of The Muppet Show starts to realize he doesn’t fit in in their small town. When Gary decides to take his girlfriend Mary (Amy Adams) on a trip to Los Angeles, he brings Walter along knowing he’d like to see Muppet Studios.

When they arrive in LA, Walter overhears a plot by the evil oil tycoon Tex Richman (Chris Cooper), who wants to raze the studio and drill for oil. Walter’s only hope to save the studio is to re-unite the estranged Muppet Show cast members for one final fundraising performance.

The Muppets was hilarious with just the right amount of Muppet cheese, and the way its storyline evoked nostalgia for The Muppet Show struck a chord with those of us who grew up watching it and the early Muppet movies.

(Besides, if the Fox Business Network thinks the movie is communist propaganda, that only makes me respect it even more.)

Unfortunately, the movie seemed to struggle a bit with how much independence to give its women characters. While Miss Piggy continues to use both karate chops and more traditionally feminine wiles to get her way, and Mary repairs cars and electrical circuits without breaking a sweat, the two have the same ultimate goal: marriage.

As J. Lee Milliren says in her review at Bitch Flicks:

“One of my biggest issues with these two having the same motivation is that they both only have One motivation and goal. All the other (male) characters have more than one goal and motivation throughout the movie. Walter wants to save the theater, reunite the Muppets, and find his place. Gary wants to be with Mary, and he wants his brother to be happy but struggles with maybe having to let go of him. Kermit wants to save the theater, be with the family that is the Muppets and re-kindle his relationship with Miss Piggy. Even Animal has two goals: wanting to save the theater AND to control his wild side.”

Avital at Bitch Magazine Blogs took a slightly more positive view, saying: “Fight it all you want, but Miss Piggy is a feminist. While she does play into some poor stereotypes (being a little boy-focused…or rather frog-focused), the thing most folks remember her for is her fierce, take-no-shit, strong personality.”

Overall I think the movie didn’t stray too much into gender-regressive territory. At one point Mary and Piggy even sing a girl-power independence song: “Me Party/Party for One”:

Even though Piggy/Mary’s goals are centered around marriage, the movie does show that they’re independent and unwilling to put up with bad treatment from boyfriends. With all of the movie’s other awesomeness, that makes it a big success in my books.

-Jarrah

Posted on December 7, 2011 by jarrahpenguin in Feminism, Politics 1 Comment

I’m Getting Divorced. Let’s Celebrate.

Divorce parties are on the rise. Over in Japan, couples have been realizing that there’s nothing like a natural disaster to get you to rethink priorities. Divorces have been up 300% since the March tsunami and the popularity of ring smashing divorce parties has been making headlines worldwide.

In the United States, divorce parties are becoming a booming industry complete with divorce-party planners, divorce cakes, divorce registries, cake toppers, piñatas to smash and ring coffins. Might I also add that many of these divorce-related products are dark and designed to denigrate the other partner.

Over the past few years, many public figures have celebrated divorces, sparking this trend, including: Shauna Mokler, ex-wife of Blink 182 singer Travis Barker; Heather Mills, ex of Paul McCartney; Jack White from the White Stripes co-hosted one with his ex; as did Charles Bronfman and his ex. Who knows, maybe Kim Kardashian will be next.

What I have noticed to be glaringly absent from commentary on divorce parties is the irony that in a country like America where same sex couples continue to be denied the right to marry, we see such a booming industry dedicated to celebrating divorce.

I’m all for a post-divorce night out with friends, complete with pep talks and lots of alcohol. But this whole industry just seems so wrong to me. What do you even say to someone who is hosting a divorce party – congratulations? Do you have to bring them a gift? Do you have to eat the expensive cake where the strawberry icing symbolizes the ex’s blood?

What has started as a trend for a select group of super-rich former couples is now ballooning into a common phenomenon, supporting this bizarre industry.

Remember the First Wives Club? Those women had to pull their lives together after the painful, destructive process that is divorce. And then they got even, and in the process rebuilt their friendship. All to a soundtrack of “Sisters are Doin’ it for Themselves” and “You Don’t Own Me.”

I have to believe that there are better, more empowering ways to move on and rebuild after divorce.

-E. Cain

Posted on November 10, 2011 by jarrahpenguin in Feminism, Pop Culture Leave a comment