jessica critcher

An Open Letter to the Kids Who Harassed Me From Their School Bus

busby Jessica Critcher

An open letter to the children who harassed me from the window of their school bus

cc: Their parents

 

Dear Boys,

It’s me, the angry lady from Boston. I hope you had fun on your field trip. Maybe you were in my neighborhood to see our Paul Revere statue. But my guess is that you were here to visit the New England Aquarium, because the way you yelled at me and called me names made me feel like an animal in a zoo. For their sake, I hope you were nicer to the animals. I don’t think I could forgive you if you spoke to a penguin the same way you spoke to me.

I was having a pretty good day up until I crossed in front of your school bus and you started shouting things at me. I didn’t hear all of the comments, thank goodness, but the one that stuck out the most was “You’re fat!” I heard that one repeated by a few of you, so I guess you really wanted to be sure I heard that part.

Those comments hurt my feelings, boys. But before I go any further, I need to tell you something: My feelings were not hurt because you called me fat. There is nothing wrong with being fat. I’m fatter than a lot of my friends, and some of my friends are fatter than I am. It’s a waste of time to compare myself to other people. How fat a person is does not change how smart, kind, creative, thoughtful or valuable a person is. I can be fat and still be beautiful, and even if I wasn’t beautiful, I would still be a person whose thoughts and feelings matter. Read more

Posted on June 12, 2013 by jarrahpenguin in Feminism 2 Comments

My Reality: I Have Emetophobia

Screen Shot 2013-05-19 at 10.50.35 AMby Jessica Critcher

While I missed the boat on Mental Health Awareness Week in Canada (May 6-12) May is Mental Health Awareness MONTH over here in the US. Jarrah’s bravery in opening up about her experience with Trichotillomania (Hair-Pulling Disorder) inspired me to speak up about my emetophobia.

Emetophobia is a strong fear or aversion to vomit. I know, most people don’t like it. But for emetophobes like me, it’s a constant fear that warps into a daily struggle. Some don’t even type or say the word “vomit” out of superstition. Here is a pretty neat infographic on the subject. Wikipedia also has a nice summary:

Emetophobia (from the Greek εμετός, to vomit, and φόβος (phóbos), meaning “fear”) is an intense, irrational fear or anxiety pertaining to vomiting. This specific phobia can also include subcategories of what causes the anxiety, including a fear of vomiting in public, a fear of seeing vomit, a fear of watching the action of vomiting or fear of being nauseated.[1] Emetophobia is clinically considered an “elusive predicament” because limited research has been done pertaining to it.[2] The fear of vomiting receives little attention compared with other irrational fears.[3]

This fear has also caused me to indirectly be afraid of several other things, like traveling by boat (never tried it, too scared!), roller coasters, crowds, hospitals, dental exams, new medications, new foods, drinking or being around drunk people, pregnancy or being around pregnant people, and little children, because they vomit like it’s their damn job. I will avoid all of these things things to varying degrees just because the possibility of feeling slightly nauseated or hearing someone talk about being ill exists.

This phobia has also caused me to fear a lot of other things because they are connected to a concern or incident specific to me, including cashews, McDonald’s, Vicodin, multi-vitamins, intense exercise, and even just being at the gym. Read more

Posted on May 19, 2013 by jarrahpenguin in My Reality 3 Comments

See a Woman Reading? Leave Her Alone.

484px-Reading_woman_2by Jessica Critcher

A few months ago, I went to meet with a colleague at his apartment. Since I wasn’t familiar with the neighborhood and I’m paranoid about being late, I budgeted extra time to find the address. It turned out to be easy to find, so I ended up with an hour to myself. Thankfully, a person who likes to read is never bored. I pulled out a book (This book, actually) and prepared to indulge in an hour of reading in a quiet, sunny public park. I barely got through one page before a man started talking to me.

He told me I was cute and asked me if I had a boyfriend. And even after I told him I was married, he just kept talking at me. For the record, I understand that this man was just trying to be friendly, and he probably didn’t mean to annoy me or make me feel weird. But since I felt weird and annoyed, his intentions were irrelevant.

Eventually I pulled out my phone, told him I was running late, and headed on my way. By then I was too upset to properly concentrate on my book. But it wasn’t even about the book in the first place. It was about my personal space, which he ignored. This kind of thing happens all the time.

Whenever I express my frustration about this, someone invariably tells me, “But he was just trying to be friendly/strike up a conversation/learn more about the subject.” Stop. What you are telling me is that the fact that a man wants to talk to is more important (and should therefore be given more consideration) than the fact that I want to be left alone. I should dig deeper and find the good intentions behind why this man interrupted me. I should give this man the benefit of a doubt and take the fact that he bothered me as a compliment. The desires of a stranger are more important than mine.

I had a friend counter my point, saying that she personally likes it when people stop to chat her up while she’s reading. If you like that, good for you! Opportunities for that to happen are plentiful. I happen to detest it and would like it to stop. People usually follow this up by asking how potential partners are supposed to meet each other, as if it’s supposed to check-mate my argument. But that’s not my problem. If you really want to know, check out this piece called “Schrödinger’s Rapist,” which offers some advice on how to approach women without being creepy:

To begin with, you must accept that I set my own risk tolerance. When you approach me, I will begin to evaluate the possibility you will do me harm. That possibility is never 0%. For some women, particularly women who have been victims of violent assaults, any level of risk is unacceptable. Those women do not want to be approached, no matter how nice you are or how much you’d like to date them. Okay? That’s their right. Don’t get pissy about it. Women are under no obligation to hear the sales pitch before deciding they are not in the market to buy.

I like that some people find reading to be an attractive trait. But I don’t read for anyone’s enjoyment but my own. Men of the world, if you see a woman reading a book, eyes darting from line to line, wrapped up in her own universe, leave her alone. She is probably having a moment, and she deserves to have it. Read more

Posted on May 5, 2013 by jarrahpenguin in Feminism 17 Comments

Asking for It

Christopher Columbus Park (Boston) at night

Christopher Columbus Park (Boston) at night

by Jessica Critcher

Last summer my husband was out of town for work. Though I missed him, it was exciting to be alone in Boston. I liked the idea of being mysterious and anonymous, minding my own business about town. With my tiny grocery cart, I felt like a woman with a secret. For two dollars I could take a train anywhere in the city– to an art museum or a brewery or a noodle shop or a bronze statue. If I wanted, I could go downtown and ride an elevator to the top of the tallest building in the city and scan the horizon for miles around. Wanting was all it would take to make it happen. The feeling is so pleasant that I like to carry two dollars in my pocket, even when I don’t plan on going anywhere.

We didn’t have air conditioning then. I would write early in the morning with the windows open, feeling breezes on my skin as I ate tomatoes from our roof garden. In the afternoon, when the sun climbed over the buildings and smothered my desk in hard light, I wrote in coffee shops and restaurants and all over the Coast Guard base where I could pilfer WiFi and air conditioning and a quiet place to sit. But when the sun went home, so did I.

One night that summer I got a real hum-dinger of a migraine. I get those quite a bit. The combination of hormonal birth control and staring at computer screens probably exacerbates this problem that I’ve had since I was about ten. Over the years I’ve been poked and prodded and scanned and medicated, and the doctors concluded that some people just get headaches.

That night, my eyes felt hard and heavy like little stones. The pain branched out from a tight knot deep inside my head, forming lightning patterns that stretched out to my scalp. It was too early to go to bed. I was restless. I took medication and massaged the tight pressure points in my face, trying to dissolve the pain like sugar cubes in tea, but nothing budged. I wanted to be cool and quiet in the dark. I wanted to feel a breeze from the harbor on my skin. I wanted to feel cold grass under my bare feet. I wanted to escape my stuffy apartment, to be outside. Wanting it was not enough.

Read more

Posted on March 27, 2013 by jarrahpenguin in Feminism 1 Comment

My Boobs and I are Outraged

oscarby Jessica Critcher

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to go a whole day without feeling angry about misogyny. That day is not today.

Of all the ridiculous things said at the Oscars, I find myself most upset at Seth MacFarlane’s “Boobs” song. It’s like a splinter in my heel: it hurts and I can’t stop picking at it. The fact that I’ve already been told, in the nicest way possible, to calm down about it ties the whole thing up in a nice, sexist bow.

Where do I even start?

MacFarlane sang about having seen several actresses’ breasts in films. That was the entire joke: “We saw your boobs. In that movie that we saw, we saw your boobs.” He then lists specific films in which actresses, most of them present, appeared topless, except for Jennifer Lawrence, of whom he says, “We haven’t seen Jennifer Lawrence’s boobs at all.”

Apparently those are the only two relevant categories for women at the academy awards: those whose breasts we have seen and enjoyed and those whose breasts we haven’t. Maybe that has something to do with why only one woman has ever won Best Director.

The cheeky, adolescent, boys-will-be-boys tone of the song is played off as if it’s supposed to be a compliment. Angelina Jolie’s breasts, MacFarlane says, “made us feel excited and alive.” But whether it’s a famous man with a microphone on television or a stranger yelling at us from a street corner, women are constantly reminded that our bodies are public property – not our own, but belonging to and existing for men.

Even grammatically, the phrase “We saw your boobs” is problematic. It makes viewers the subject of the sentence and ignores the fact that these women have any sort of agency, phrasing it instead as if viewers were peeping without these women’s consent.

But exposing one’s breasts on film isn’t unequivocally good, either. The double standard would never allow that. It is apparently possible to do this in too many films, as he reminded Kate Winslet, listing off several films in which she appears topless, adding “and whatever you’re shooting right now.”

There was also a cheap dig at Scarlett Johansson, saying we saw her boobs not on the big screen, but on our mobile phones. I couldn’t help but make the connection to women being blackmailed with naked photos on the internet, or the recent trend of revenge porn. He has seen their breasts, he can see them anytime he wants, and he doesn’t let us forget.

Another disturbing thing about this song is that the films listed are serious dramas for which many of the actresses were critically praised. Several of the breasts MacFarlane delights in having seen were exposed in the context of rape or assault in the films. Boys Don’t Cry in particular is about a trans man who is beaten, raped and murdered. I fail to find anything hilarious about that, whether or not we saw Hilary Swank topless.
Read more

Posted on February 26, 2013 by jarrahpenguin in Feminism, Pop Culture 8 Comments

Your Arguments Against Our Permanent Birth Control are Bullshit

Cover of 1919 edition of Margaret Sanger's Birth Control Review

Cover of 1919 edition of Margaret Sanger’s Birth Control Review

by Jessica Critcher

My spouse and I are seeking permanent birth control, and the entire process has been difficult. At this point, we are sick to death of unsolicited advice on the subject (Pro-tip: If someone you don’t know says they’re not judging you, they are judging you). Everyone’s heart is in the right place, I can only assume. People think they are telling us new information that will keep us from making what they perceive to be a mistake. I get that they’re trying to help. But we continually find ourselves defending this very personal decision to total strangers. So to keep myself from screaming, I’m going to outline why the condescension disguised as concern is totally unfounded. Trust us. We’ve thought it through.

Bullshit Assumption #1: But you’re so YOUNG! And it’s such a BIG decision!

We know we’re only 24. Thanks for telling us! No one says this to people in our situation who decide to have children, which is an equally big decision. It’s not the weight of the decision that makes people uncomfortable; it’s the fact that we decided against having children. If you’re going to offer unsolicited advice, at least be honest about why.

Bullshit Assumption #2: It’s permanent. You’ll regret it later and resent each other.

Why do they always pair those two? This “advice”  intrigues me the most, because there are so many layers and implications. Firstly, it implies that we do not know what “permanent” means. The permanence of a thing is not inherently an effective reason to argue against it. That’s actually the most attractive feature of this birth control option. Thanks, but we’re set. Read more

Posted on January 31, 2013 by jarrahpenguin in Feminism 4 Comments

Contributors Pick the Best of 2012

Person on podiumHappy New Year, everyone! As is our tradition, I asked the Gender Focus contributors about some of their highlights from how they spent the past year, and here’s what they came up with:

How to Survive a Plague PosterFavourite Movie:

 

Ashli Scale: Prometheus

Chanel: I have two: How to Survive a Plague is a documentary about the activism around the AIDS crisis. I went in expecting to spend two hours analyzing direct action tactics, and left feeling devastated, but weirdly hopeful.

From the Black, You Make Color is a documentary (yes, I only watch documentaries) about a beauty academy in Tel Aviv and its students and staff, all folks on the periphery of Israeli society. It’s an important, insightful piece about identity and class.

Jessica Mason McFadden: I’ll go with the one movie I saw: Stanley Kubrick’s Lolita.

E. Cain: The Odd Life of Timothy Green. I didn’t watch many movies this year, but this one is a super cute family film.

Favourite Book Read in 2012:

 

Sarah Jensen: Suburban Nation: The Rise of Sprawl and the Decline of the American Dream. A fascinating look into curb heights, street widths, and the importance of parallel parking. Really interesting to learn how crucial city planning is to building strong communities.

E. Cain: Prisoner of Tehran, A Memoir by Marina Nemat. My boss gave me this book for Christmas, a powerful memoir written by a strong woman - I highly recommend!

Chanel Dubofsky: The Middlesteins by Jami Attenberg. If Jami Attenberg writes it, I will read it. The Middlesteins is her latest book, about a Midwestern Jewish family trying to avoid, deal with and make sense of each other. It’s startling, meaty and gorgeous.

Jessica Critcher: Why Have Kids? by Jessica Valenti. The title is all snark– it’s a rhetorical question. It’s a great read for someone happily living child-free (who occasionally finds herself defending that lifestyle choice). It’s also great for moms because it gets past all of the “mommy wars” crap that the media keeps creating and circulating. My mom loved it too– we recommend it to all of the moms we know.

Issue/Cause That Most Inspired You:

indigenousrightsrevolution

 

Chanel: Occupy, Occupy, Occupy.

Jarrah: #IdleNoMore. It’s been incredibly powerful to see a grassroots movements led by Indigenous people for Indigenous rights spring up and spread so quickly across Canada. It’s an almost unprecedented opportunity for non-Indigenous Canadians to put action behind our words by standing behind and supporting First Nations people in Canada.

Sarah: Food. In the last year I’ve learned so much about the impact that food has on my own health and the health of our environment.

Jessica Critcher: This is always hard! But since I have to pick, I would say the WAM! (Women, Action and the Media) campaign to build a grassroots direct action network for gender justice in the media. They had an Indie-Go-Go campaign over the summer and raised more than $10,000 to build a new state of the art website. Pretty legit.

Ashli: I’ve been most active in the Body Acceptance movement by doing body image presentations in schools.  I’ve been so inspired by Kate Harding’s blog “Shapely Prose”, which closed up shop in 2010 but you can still access the great resources on it like Kate’s visual BMI Project.        Read more

Posted on January 1, 2013 by jarrahpenguin in Can-Con, Feminism, Politics, Pop Culture Leave a comment
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