In the newest episode of the awesome Comediva webseries BAMF Girls Club, Twilight’s Bella goes on a quest to find a weapon that’s all her own.
Transcript (after the jump):
Voice-over: When Buffy, Hermione, Katniss, Lisbeth, Michonne and Bella move into one house, it’s an utter BAMF-gasm of awesomeness! It’s the BAMF Girls Club!
Bella (interview): Guys, I have some bad news. I just found out my jar opener isn’t a weapon, like Buffy said. And even though I have, like, a really beautiful relationship with jars, it got me thinking…Katniss has her bow and arrows, Michonne has a sword, Buffy has a stake, Lisbeth has her exploding device thing, and even Hermione has her pointy magic wand. So I should totally have a weapon like the other BAMF girls.
Buffy (interview): Bella asked for my help, but I don’t know. Giving weapons to Bella? That’s like giving Lisbeth your MySpace password. I figure, I’ll just start her out with some baby weapons.
Bella: Buffy, I know that you’re a slayer and you have lots of experience killing things, but, like, how would I use these in a battle? (pair of tweezers)
Buffy: They’re great for battling a unibrow.
Bella: Okay. What’s this for (picks up miniature sword), trimming your bangs?
Buffy: No, that’s a letter-opener.
Bella: Oh, I usually open letters with my hands. I mean, sometimes I do get paper-cuts, but Edward loves to practice his self-control.
Bella (interview): I really think the letter opener may be my kindred spirit: small and unassuming, but, like, can get you to open up about stuff.
Michonne (interview): When I heard Bella wanted a real weapon, at first I was scared. Then I realized this is a great opportunity to arm Bella for walker-duty. Every apocalypse needs collateral lives.
Michonne (shows Bella a sword): Now Bella, I want you to take this seriously. It’s really sharp.
Bella: I like sharp things! I’m from Forks! (Michonne hands it over and Bella almost drops it)
Michonne (grabs it back): Watch it!
Bella: It’s like, really heavy.
Michonne: Well maybe if you did a little more weight-training and a little less lying in the grass.
Bella: I give up. Can’t I just, like, use this one? (shows Michonne the letter-opener)
Michonne (interview): I give up. Let her walker boyfriend turn her. Then at least she wouldn’t be so damn weak.
(Bella puts her head on Lisbeth’s shoulder and sighs)
Lisbeth: What is wrong?
Bella: I think Michonne hates me because I broke all of her weapons, and Buffy won’t even let me touch hers.
Lisbeth: Every woman should have a weapon to call her own. Come, we will find you a dangerous toy.
(montage of Lisbeth demonstrating various weapons for Bella, including guns, swords, a bow and arrows, and a tattoo gun. Bella tattoos “Edward” in a heart on a melon and Lisbeth rolls her eyes)
Lisbeth (interview): Her line work was terrible.
Lisbeth (interview): If Bella can handle the BB gun, I will teach her the best weapon of all…revenge.
(we see Bella holding the BB gun and she and Lisbeth high-five)
Bella (interview, wearing bandana on her head and carrying BB gun): You guys? I finally know what BAMF means: Bad Ass Mother F**ker (bleeped).
(Bella outside aiming BB gun at cans. Hermione yells, off-camera)
Hermione: Bella! Did you just shoot me in the bum?
Hermione (interview): She did! In the bum! With a BB pellet, in the bum! She’s gone mad with power! Bella needs a weapons detox; this will not do! And I know just the thing: solitary confinement with adorable stuffed animals. There’s nothing Hermione can’t fix…ow.
Bella (pounds on door where she’s locked, then throws stuffed animals off the bed): Get out of the way, get out of the way! (grabs stuffed wolf) Jacob, I have to talk to you! Why aren’t you blinking? What have they done to you? Get off me, I’m sorry. Don’t judge me! Edward, Edward, Edward! Rape, rape! The unicorn tried to rape me! Nooooo! Yessss! (finally lays back in pile of stuff animals)
Bella (interview): I had a good cry. And I really did feel better. Maybe tears are my best weapon. Anyway, I’m more of a lover than a fighter. But I did save one weapon (pulls out the letter-opener).
(Bella, surrounded in a pile of envelopes, opening them, licking them closed again, then opening them)