by Phoebe Vaccaro
I had sex with a married man and I don’t feel at all badly about it. Now before you get all judge-y, as I’m sure you’ll be wont to do, let me explain myself a little.
There was a time when sleeping with someone who was attached – married, in a relationship, whatever it was – was entirely outside of my realm of comfort. It was an absolute no-go for me, especially after what I went through with my last relationship (quick recap: my ex had been cheating on me, in my house, in my bed with his boss for months, before finally telling me – and only finally doing that, via frigging Facebook, nonetheless, because he’d knocked her up). So I was hypersensitive to such circumstances for a while.
But then, somewhere along the way, I somehow became less dogmatic about my reticence to sleep with attached men…and then suddenly, I found myself in bed with a married man and not feeling at all badly about it. How’d I get to this point?
Firstly, the marital troubles of two people aren’t on me. Sure, I’m probably not helping by getting involved, even if only peripherally, but to be honest I don’t really feel like I ought to have to check every man for a marriage license before jumping into bed with him.
This man was incredibly sexy. I met him at a bar, we got to talking, and we left the bar together. It wasn’t until we were on our way to his friend’s house that it came out that he was married. I was looking forward to the casual rendezvous, but when I discovered he was married I started to have second thoughts. After a short conflict within myself, I decided I was going to do it anyway. I didn’t know how often this man sleeps around on his wife. I didn’t know anything about their relationship. What I did know is that I am not the cause for whatever had him out seeking sexual relations with other women.
Part of the reason, aside from moral misgivings, that I had been so hesitant to sleep with an attached man is because as someone who identifies as polyamorous, I advocate for open and honest communication of one’s desires and inclinations in a relationship. I do not advocate cheating. Cheating really does hurt; I know that hurt all too well. So it makes me feel hypocritical to believe so wholeheartedly in open, honest communication yet to participate in an activity as dishonest as cheating.
But I also know how hard it is to communicate those needs and desires within a committed relationship or marriage in a culture that tells us that monogamy is the only moral, healthy way to relate. Sometimes people feel that cheating is the only option. And I get that. I understand feeling trapped. I understand the desperation that can lead to dishonest relations.
These men are not bad men. I am not a bad woman. These are men who find themselves in a position where they have been coerced into compulsory monogamy and are finding that they need something more or something else. But to articulate that, in this culture, is not only terrifying but sometimes downright impossible. So they stray. And I somehow think that because I understand these inclinations, these desires, that I am equipped to understand where these men are coming from.
That doesn’t make cheating okay. It doesn’t justify or excuse this man stepping out on his wife (or my involvement in it). My involvement was purely a selfish one – he was so damned sexy and I wanted to have casual sex with him. It was that simple. But I argued with myself the whole way to his friend’s house. I justified, I wavered, I almost backed out. But if not me, it would be someone. So why not me?
This is not the first attached man to have an interest in me. He is, however, the first I actually ended up sleeping with. There was also a guy who contacted me through an online dating website who has a girlfriend whom he loves. He just wants to have some extramarital fun. I chatted with him for a while, came up with a number of excuses not to get involved with him,but he too, was highly. I eventually agreed to carry on a purely sexual relationship with him.
Again, I felt like if he was going to do it anyway (which he obviously is), so why not get what I want, let him get what he wants, and leave his relationship intact? I know this justification will sound horrible to so many people. I still shake my head when I hear myself saying it aloud. But I really felt like I was best equipped to engage in this relationship – no emotions on my part, just purely sexual satisfaction. So many others might become emotionally entangled to the point where they interfere with the relationship, want the man to leave his partner for them, start a new life. That’s not me.
At the same time, I wonder: is it helpful to this man and the woman he loves to allow him to carry on a secret affair? He says he loves her, and I believe he does. But is she better off carrying on, oblivious to his infidelity? Would I have been happier if that’s all it had been with my ex and his now-fiance? I don’t know. I can’t say.
I know how badly it hurts to be cheated on. I know how badly it feels to have one’s family torn asunder. But I also know that my relationship fell apart not only because my ex cheated on me but because there were other things fundamentally wrong with our relationship. It was hurtful, it was horrible, and I spiraled into a state of depression for a short time. But I’m happier now. I don’t lament that he did it. I am thankful that he did.
The difference between me and my ex’s mistress is that she inserted herself into the midst of a relationship; she wanted to walk away with the “prize” (honey, you can have him; he’s not that much a prize – he was a cheater, misogynist, chauvinistic, and emotionally abusive). Me, I’m purely after the physical connection. Sure, there’s still potential of someone getting hurt, but I have no inclination to intentionally destroy someone’s relationship; in fact, quite the opposite, I hope that the philanderer will be able to get what they need without hurting their significant other.
I know people will read this and think: “That is wrong. Sleeping with an attached man is wrong.” I don’t disagree. But I also don’t agree. The world is just so much more complicated than that. It isn’t black and white. There are all of these shades of grey.
(photo of wedding rings via Wikimedia Commons)
“He says he loves her, and I believe he does” I’m not sure what the author’s definition of the word love is, but mine sure does not include the things this man is doing to his wife without her knowing.
Disrespect, cheating, and lying do not describe the things I would do to someone I love.
I believe he stays in his marriage for selfish reasons, definitely not for love.
That’s a lot of rationalizing to not admit that you are no better than the woman who “inserted herself into” your relationship.
You haven’t clue one about this married guy or his wife or their relationship. It was a hook up.
Forced into monogamy was he? I am sure he is glad you buy into that pop culture fallacy that is so vogue right now.
If you are really ok with having sex with men in relationships of any kind, do yourself a favor and make sure that all is on the up and up before you hit the sheets. Did you ask him if his wife knows? Or if they have an open relationship? Did you discuss polyamory at all? Or did you just project all your excuses for why this was okay onto him sans discussion?
You got cheated on, so you turned around and took the first opportunity that was handed to you to inflict the same kind of hurt and humiliation on some woman you don’t even know. That’s not liberation. It’s the same old woman shitting on other woman crap that’s been going on forever.
And I agree with Anon. This guy has no respect for his wife – unless he is totally open and honest about what he is doing and she is completely ok with it and not simply stuck with him. I think you got played.
How did she ‘get played’ if she got what she wanted out of the situation? It doesn’t sound like she got played, to me. It sounds like she was in charge of her sexuality and made an autonomous choice about who she was going to have sex with. She *knew* he was in a relationship. She *knew* what she was getting herself into. I’m not sure what part of that constitutes getting played?
I think the reason we see such strong reactions to Phoebe’s experiences is because we are uncomfortable with sexuality, and female sexuality in particular. But we are also uncomfortable talking about monogamy and infidelity because I think many of us fear that our spouses or significant others could possibly do that to us. I don’t think cheating is inherently bad (not to say that it is good, either, but that it is complex). Infidelity is far more nuanced than that.
Right off the bat, this article pisses me off.
I’m going to agree with everything Annie and Anon said.
You’re no better than the man who cheated on you. Yes, being cheated on hurts, but turning around and committing similar acts that will lead to the married man’s wife to feel the way you did shows you have ZERO respect for others. If you’re still hurt from being cheated on, take it out on single people.
“But I also know how hard it is to communicate those needs and desires within a committed relationship or marriage in a culture that tells us that monogamy is the only moral, healthy way to relate.” So because it is “hard” to “communicate those needs and desires” you shouldn’t talk about them and instead just go do as you please? Isn’t that what your ex did to you and yet you still find that appropriate?
Don’t justify yourself and others that cheat by saying “They aren’t bad men. I’m not a bad woman.” They are, and you are. Saying that it isn’t so doesn’t make it that way. Coerced into a relationship? Please, individuals have the capacity to make a choice, whether to stay or go.
Really, your article boiled down to this: “I found a guy sexy, and he wanted me. I must have sex with him. OH? He is in a committed relationship but still willing to sleep with me? That’s okay by me. I do and don’t approve of cheating, but tonight, I guess I do! Did I mention he was sexy.”
Phoebe, thanks for sharing this. I agree with you, I don’t believe the onus is on you, you aren’t cheating on anyone. Whatever decision that man made was his own. He made a choice to cheat on his wife. If it wasn’t with you, eventually it would probably be with someone else. You’re not married to her, or to him. It’s not your responsibility. Sometimes there are worse things in a relationship than cheating. Relationships are so complex and what happens between two people might as well occur in a secret world. I don’t think people who cheat are bad people, sometimes they might not make great choices but that doesn’t make them bad. So, good for you for being brave enough to tell your story.
Agree that the burden is not on you, but what would make you want to have sex with someone who is willing to cheat for whatever reason. Personally I would never want to be intimate, albeit even casually, with someone who is willing to lie to their partner on that level. I mean if he’d lie to her, what’s to say he’s not lying to you about having an STD or how he’ll treat you when you’re alone and naked together etc, or when you say that this is only casual and you don’t want him to contact you anymore. Just seems like a lot of risk to put on someone who has already proven to be untrustworthy.
annie, my sleeping with a married man has little to do with my own breakup. It isn’t some sort of revenge or attempt to inflict pain upon another woman. In fact, if you’ve read what I’ve written here, my goal is for nobody to get hurt. If a man is going to cheat, he’s going to cheat. If it weren’t with me, it would be with somebody else. I am not happily in a relationship, myself, and I am faithful to my partner.
And Chris, I am not still hurt at being cheated on. If you read what I wrote, I am thankful for having been cheated on. It was really the catalyst that allowed me to extricate myself from an unhealthy relationship, one that was unhealthy well before the cheating began. I am not taking out my hurt on others. In fact, quite the opposite, I am hoping for others not to be hurt.
Roxanna, thank you so much! It’s difficult to verbalize these sorts of things because people tend to demonize the other woman. When my ex revealed his infidelity, I took a different approach. I spoke to and became friends with the ‘other’ woman. Because while she knew what she was doing, the onus was on my ex, really. He was the one who had a commitment to me, not her. And in the end, his cheating turned out to be the best thing for both of us. It just isn’t so simple as cheaters are bad, infidelity is bad.
Laura, he may or may not be honest with me. People tend to be pretty open with me because I’m not judgmental and I am open myself. I’m easy to talk to, so people tend to be honest with me. And even if not, I always use condoms and ensure my physical and emotional safety in a number of ways.
While I agree that his commitments are not your commitments, I would take seriously the concern someone raised about untrustworthiness/selfishness on his part: condoms don’t necessarily take care of this problem.
I agree that cheating doesn’t make someone “bad,” or that sleeping with someone you know is involved doesn’t make you bad. Things are complicated. But I think there’s a difference between recognizing that things are complicated, and totally justifying it without qualification.
In the end, we should try to help ourselves be empathizing people. It’s not my place to say what is right for you, but I know that, for me, I would not be doing myself any favours by ingraining ways of thinking that completely erased any empathy I might feel for other people’s partners or spouses. It kind of feels like you are a very caring person who, for whatever complex reasons, is getting swept up in arguments that are, beneath it all, advocating callousness.
If you hadn’t started a conversation by writing about your personal feelings and beliefs I wouldn’t ask this but: Is it possible that you are trying to pave over any anger, resentment, or other feelings you might still have over your ex’s inability to be straight-forward with you by making these very individualist arguments? I don’t think anyone — the “other woman,” the spouse, or even the guy — should be completely empathetically ignored.
Anyway, I could very well be wrong. I hope all works out well for you in the end. Keep it casual with this man: his patterns of behaviour spells trouble. And if you do keep it on, I’d seriously consider asking him if he’s gotten tested.
Thanks for your well-articulated and considerate comment, michnele. I like to think that I have approached this situation from a place of compassion. Friends, and strangers, think that what I am doing is justifying my actions. but I don’t feel the need to justify them. I sincerely wished to approach the situation in such a manner that would protect this woman from the emotional hurt I endured when my ex fell in love with his mistress. There is no risk of that with me. I am emotionally detached from the situation. It’s why, I think, a lot of married men will hire escorts – because they crave connection outside of their marriage but sincerely love their wives and don’t want to destroy that relationship. But in a culture in which monogamy is ingrained in us since birth, essentially, it really is difficult to express needs or desires that go against that. So I am coming from a place of compassion, even if it’s hard to see that.
I have no anger or resentment toward my ex or his mistress (now fiance). At the time it was hurtful and painful, but once I sorted through the tremendous change that it put into motion, I realized that I was thankful, because it really was the best thing for both of us, in the end. We’re both far happier now.
Phoebe, I was also the “other woman” in an adulterous relationship — lasted for about six months, even leading to him saying he was going to divorce his wife, which wasn’t the “happy ending” I thought it would be….
…I know I was deceiving myself about a lot, and I think you are, too. No matter what you say about your confidence in what you wrote above, there are clear mixed messages and confusion. You’re kidding yourself, if you think the goal of this kind of behavior is really for no one to get hurt.
You also say you know the risks, yet you’re willing to take them and be involved in the risks this man’s taking (with who knows how many other women, with or without protection). It’s super hypocritical to say you’re not an advocate of cheating, but yet.
At the end of the day, your story makes me sad. I’m sad for you, and I think defining yourself as “polyamorous” is a wall, a guard against not being vulnerable again. And that makes me sad, too, for what’s missing in your life, or hurting in your heart. I’ve been there…. http://www.rebeccahalton.com
Hooking up with a guy who isn’t available for a relationship, is a pretty good indicator that guys who ==are== available don’t value you highly. You have low value in the relationship marketplace. You are damaged goods. You fetch a lower price. Enjoy your life.
I love this and agree with 90% of it. I’ll sleep with whoever I want, regardless if they are taken or not. Likewise, they are making their own decision to cheat, so they’ve already decided their significant other isn’t worth it…
If they don’t respect her, so why should I?
Thanks Phoebe for your story. From some of the reactions you got here, I guess polyamory is still not really accepted or understood, which is a great shame.
I used to have the same feelings as you about going out with someone who was “taken” – I didn’t want anyone to do this to me so would not inflict it on anyone else. And I have also changed my mind about this. Partly from now being in a relationship with a wonderful person, in which we are both completely honnest and open about everything. We have both agreed that we let each other be free to see or date others and always communicate about this openly. I think it shows you trust and love another person if you can give them the freedom to come and go and leave if they want to. If they choose to hang around it is because they want to, not because some moral tyranny makes them.
As for dating a married or already-attached person, I now think this: he or she is a grown-up, able to make his or her own choices and moral or immoral decisions. Letting their partner know is of course better. But ultimately, their “cheating” on their partner is in no way my responsability: I am not part of their decision, only its consequence. Why should I be a moral policeman in a relationship I know nothing about, there are enough constraints in our societies on anybody who steps out of line. We should all be given the freedom to act as we wish and take the consequences, which also means realising if we are hurting someone else, or not.