by Jasmine Peterson
Dating – it’s exhausting.
At first I thought it was fun (being new to the dating scene, and never having really done the dating thing in my younger years), but as time has gone on, I’ve discovered that it can be really, really exhausting.
I’m a pretty open and honest person. I’ve put a lot of myself out into the ether of the internet (from discovering myself to be polyamorous to the health repercussions of my breakup and consequent brief personal meltdown). So when I’m dating, I’ve got no qualms about being honest about my intentions, my feelings, and my desires. And because I’m such an honest person, an open book really, I often expect that others will be the same. I’ve discovered that this is just me projecting my own qualities onto others; they are not always coming from the same place of transparency as I am.
How much easier would dating be if we could all just be honest about our intentions? I’ve met a few men who were pretty upfront about exactly what they were looking for – whether it was to settle down into a relationship or strictly a relationship of a sexual nature – and it made knowing how to proceed so much easier. What I want keeps changing, it seems, but I articulate it as I go to ensure that any man I am seeing knows that. I’m a work in progress, and I can understand that what someone else wants might also change, so I like to keep the conversation open and evolving to accommodate that.
But what I’ve found to most often be the case is that men are reticent to admit to wanting to have sexual relations, as though admitting that is somehow going to result in some catastrophic implosion of the dating universe. At first, I found this baffling.
“Do you want to cuddle?” a guy would say.
And if I didn’t, I would say no. But some nights, I really did want to cuddle and would accept the offer. Little did I know, “cuddle” is apparently a code word for sex. Because every single time a guy would come over to “cuddle”, he would start making sexual advances.
And every single time I was confused about what signals I was putting out there that suggested I wanted anything more than what I said I wanted – which was simply a warm body to cuddle up to. So finally, one night I said yes to the “cuddle” invitation, and when he started making advances, I stopped him (as I always did, because when I say I want to cuddle, that is not code for “I want to sleep with you”; it really does mean cuddle) and I asked “Is ‘cuddle’ some kind of subtle code for ‘let’s have sex’?” I don’t recollect if he answered me verbally, but his actions certainly spoke clearly – when it was clear that I wasn’t going to have sex with him, he left in a hurry. I never did hear from him again.
Now, I rely on my lovely Old English Sheepdog, Miss Bella Paddington, for cuddles (because I never can tell anymore whether proffered cuddles are a veracious and legitimate offer or a covert attempt to bed me). But it also made me think a great deal about why so many men were reticent to be open about their desire to simply have a sexual relationship.
It always seems to come back to this sexual double-standard – where men are culturally constructed as insatiable sexual beings, the “hunter” in a game of sexual conquest, while women are supposed to be (selectively) sexually permissive but not agents of their sexuality (because if they are, then they’re slut-shamed), the “prey”.
So many euphemisms for sex play into the hunter/hunted trope of sexuality. I feel like I’m being baited, now, when a man says to me that he wants to cuddle; I feel like he’s attempting to reel me, his prey, in with a facade of cuddles that really means he wants to get frisky beneath the sheets. And it’s not only irksome, it’s insulting. I am an agent of my sexuality. I’m perfectly capable of deciding whether or not I want to have casual, ongoing, or no sexual relations with another human being, and I would appreciate being given the opportunity to wilfully accept or decline such offers.
I understand, perhaps, why men feel the need to be covert about their desires, in a culture that shames women for their sexuality, and tells men that sex is some sort of game (as Drew Bowling talks about in his article at The Good Men Project), but it’s time to move away from these tired old stereotypes of gender roles in regards to our sexuality.
I’m not prey, and I know when I want to cuddle and when I want a little more. There’s no need to be disingenuous; give me the courtesy of being honest and allowing me to respond in kind.
(photo in the public domain, via Wikimedia Commons)
I think Jasmine has it all wrong.
This has nothing to do with dishonesty or men trying to bait her. I actually think that’s a really unfair thing to put on them:
This is all about Jasmine’s complete failure to understand euphemism.
Yes, Jasmine, “cuddling” is code for sex. Welcome to the year 2012. It’s not rocket science. Just as you might understand that when someone says “I want to sleep with you” it doesn’t mean they want to crawl into your bed with you, close their eyes and fall asleep, it means they want to have sex with you.
As an adult, you should be able to understand that other adults frequently refer to sex using euphemistic language.
If you _only_ want to cuddle, you should make that clear. It is not the onus of the man to understand that you don’t understand a very common euphemism for sex.
Or if you prefer, you could tell these men to be much more explicit “I would like to put my cock in your vagina.” Hey, it’s honest, and some people go for the that.
But most other people, at least initially, like to err on the side of using polite euphemisms rather than being so blunt.
I don’t think it’s fair to assume the worst (that they are trying to bait you), but rather that they are trying to avoid being crude and blunt. Which at the end of the day, means they are trying to show you a measure of respect.
I make my own intentions very clear, all the time. This is about the word ‘cuddling’ but also more than that it is about the lack of transparency in the dating world. I am not assuming the worst of men. I am merely inviting men to be honest about their intentions.
Being honest is not the same as being literal.
Just because a man doesn’t say “sex” and says “cuddling” instead does not indicate that he is being covert or dishonest, it means he thinks you have the ability to read between the lines.
So yes, you are projecting onto others. It sounds as though you are projecting stereotypes onto the men you date. You feel hunted, you feel insulted, you feel you are not being allowed to be the agent of your own sexuality. It sounds like this is more about you and your own fears than men being dishonest.
You need to allow for nuance, for messy grey areas when it comes to dating and sex. It’s not fair to expect men (or anyone really) to be honest to the point of refraining from commonly used, polite euphemism.
Jasmine, not all men are the same in this sense, although many might be.
I am twenty years old and don’t look at “cuddling” As a euphemism for sex in any way, it just tends to get a man aroused while cuddling with a woman most of the time and that will more than often lead to sex.
I love to cuddle any time the chance comes up and so do many other men. You just need to find the right guy who also likes to cuddle and who doesn’t expect sex from it every time.
Jasmine, do NOT listen to Pia! Her point may have been valid if she hadn’t been so rude in its presentation, except that she is wrong. If a man wants a physical relationship, they need to say it. If he offers cuddling, let’s just cuddle. That is what you ask for, that is what you get. Guys look at cuddling as a way to get one foot in the door to be able to seduce you because they know women like cuddling. It is a ploy. It is part of the hunt! They ARE baiting you because their odds go up when they are close to you. To be fair, this is not all men, but about 90%.
Just because she wants a man to be honest doesn’t mean she want’s him to say “I would like to put my cock in your vagina.” Your example was just silly. He could say, “I am interested in having a physical, perhaps fwb, relationship with you. What are your thoughts?” I would respect that more. And if the woman isn’t interested in that kind of relationship, don’t be upset.
I get offers to “cuddle” and when I say no, the guys get very upset. Guys need to be upfront when they are the ones making offers, and you, Pia, should learn how to have a difference of opinion without being insulting and snarky.
Yes, my issue is with the honesty aspect – if you really just want to cuddle and happen to get aroused while cuddling… well, that happens. But it often becomes clear when a man says cuddle and then comes over and immediately makes advances that ‘cuddling’ wasn’t really his intention. I just want honesty. Thank you for your comment, Aerial!
I agree with Andrew that’s important to find someone who doesn’t automatically expect sex.
That being said, given the close, physical nature of cuddling, it really it isn’t that much of a leap to go from that to sex. In other words, it shouldn’t come as a surprise if a guy goes from cuddling to initiating sex.
It’s still not fair to assume that all men or even 90% are trying to “bait” you. Why perpetuate such an ugly stereotype?
Part of managing in this world is being able cope with different expectations as they arise. A difference in expectation is not the same as dishonesty.
Saying “I am interested in a physical relationship with you” doesn’t sound very realistic to me. It sounds clinical and awkward.
I think we need to be more realistic in how humans tend to use language.
Please see the video below:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-son3EJTrU