What Do You Get When You Put Fox News and AskMen Together?

by | January 12, 2012
filed under Feminism

by Roxanna Bennett

The Fox News website reposted an article from AskMen in their Health section titled “5 Feminist Demands She Wants You to Ignore.” Generally articles filed under health are about improving one’s diet and preventing heart disease, not perpetuating heteronormative gender myths.

It’s astounding how many put-downs and insults can be crammed into one five point post.

Here are the five “myths” followed by opinions feminists would very much like AskMen to be aware of.

1. “I can carry my own bag.”

AskMen tells us that the only way a woman can perform general household maintenance is by hiring someone else to do the job. They use the phrase “your girl” several times, as though your partner is a possession much like your shoes or your car.  Apparently only the “right” girl (whatever that means) will inspire basic courtesy in a man, including carrying heavy bags. Truly, women really want men to fetch, carry and fix. All women are LYING when they say they are capable of doing something by themselves but never, ever suggest to them that they can’t. We all know how helpless they are, but they turn into bitches when called on it.

2. “Don’t objectify me.”

According to this “myth”, women are LIARS when they say they aren’t impressed by compliments about their appearance. Because every woman likes to hear the words “I’d tap that” or “I’d hit that” in appreciation of their appearance. Who doesn’t love threats of physical violence that are meant to indicate how fuckable a man thinks a woman looks? Women are LIARS because if they weren’t secretly so desperate to be objectified the fashion and beauty industries would implode overnight. The number one priority of all women is increasing their fuckability quotient; if not to please men then at least for the sake of the economy.

 3. “I’ll pay my share.”

Funny, I’ve only ever heard those words from men who then failed to do exactly that. Your girl, you know, the one you own like shoes or a pet or a bong, earns enough money to chip in once in a while but you should still pay for her. Apparently your woman earns $55 000 a year, almost 70% of your salary. So sometimes you should pay for her but sometimes not. She doesn’t really want to fork over any cash but seeing as how she makes so much money now that she’s emancipated it’s only fair to split the tab. Why should you be the only one tossing around Benjamins? But only pay her way if you know for sure she’ll pick up the tab at some unspecified, undetermined time of your choosing. If she doesn’t at least reach for her wallet half the time a cheque appears, don’t waste money on her, you playa, you. But you should definitely, sometimes, treat your girl. Like when you buy your dog a new bone.

4. “I can think for myself.”

Men already know that “modern women” can think for themselves, but AskMen says sometimes she just wants you to think for her:

“Even the highest-powered executive wants to come home to a man who already thought ahead for their dinner plans without any needed input from her. Indecisiveness, like a comb-over, is never attractive.”

Managing the practical details of dinner is not the same thing as thinking for someone else. It’s just effective planning and common courtesy. If your girl is working a twelve hour day and comes home starving to a jerk who didn’t already have dinner in the works, she’ll be thinking all kinds of things for herself. Like: “wow, is this dude ever selfish and lazy and replaceable. I think I’ll trade up for a better model with nicer manners.”

 5. “I won’t be shackled into a marriage.”

Although there are some exceptions to this rule (lesbians), women want to get married. All heterosexual women have been waiting their entire lives for an excuse to put themselves into years of debt so they can see you in a tux. You as a man need to be open to the idea of marriage or at least convince her that you are. Years of dating are fine as long as at the end of it you cave in and propose because the only thing that will make a woman happy is “the ultimate commitment.” Not the emotional commitment but the actual, physical engagement ring itself. So start saving your pennies, boys. When your woman becomes an unmanageable harridan after years of living with you, you can throw a shiny trinket at her to shut her up for a few years.

Conclusion:

“No matter how independent women get, there will always be that part of them that wants to be treated like an old-fashioned lady.”

What does this mean? That you need to ask her father’s permission to court her and that she wants you to lay your jacket over a muddy puddle before you hand her into the horse drawn carriage? Or does it mean she waits all day long, cleaning your house in her pearls and heels, to mix you a martini and wait for you to get drunk enough to beat her? My grandmother, who I can fairly say is a bit old-fashioned, worked full time and ran a household of five kids and a lazy drunkard of a husband who never lifted a finger to assist with housework or childcare. I doubt that’s a situation any person craves.

This “old-fashioned lady” AskMen yearns for seems to be the biggest myth of all. It’s unclear what time period the “old-fashioned lady” hails from or what her defining characteristics might be.

“Women are a complete contradiction in terms and that’s one thing they’re likely never to evolve out of — like men and leaving the toilet seat up.”

Apparently being an inconsiderate asshole is just biology, baby. No matter how many times you ask them not to, chromosomes force a man to leave that toilet seat up. Learn to live with the fact that you’re going to keep falling into the piss and pube spattered toilet bowl just as men have patiently learned to live with the conundrum that is woman: a thinking human being with ideas and plans of her own.

 (photo via Wikimedia Commons)


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