Adventures in Badfic
I’ve been reading, writing, and editing fanfiction since I was 15, and I thought it was time to share some of the worst fanfic quotes I’ve been collecting from stories I’ve read over the years. I’m not including names of stories or links to them because many fanfic authors are just teenagers trying to express themselves and I don’t want to shame them, but some of their writing is really funny. These are largely taken from the M*A*S*H, Law and Order: Trial by Jury, and West Wing fandoms.
Too Much Information
- Tracey’s left arm was wrapped around the top of the toilet, and her head was resting on top of her elbow. Sweat covered a good portion of Tracey’s forehead.
- “She’s projectile vomiting,” Kelly said truthfully. “Do you still want her to come in?”
- Toby, glanced over at the President and said, “I’m afraid the reeking is due to my upset stomach. I’ve got a touch of airsickness. Sir, have you ever heard of projectile vomiting?”
- Hawkeye signed for a few to be transferred, and briefed BJ on his patients for the week that could be a bit of trouble. He talked to a few of the patients, which Margaret loved to see. He was so good with the young men.
But I Digress
- “You know, if symptoms persist, you really should see a doctor,” Kelly responded seriously. She walked over to the fridge. She was not in much of a mood to cook something for dinner. Instead, she scanned the contents of the refrigerator for something to heat up in the microwave. Their microwave had not stopped working.
- People are not supposed to die until they were old and senile. Tracey was neither of those things.
- James’s dad left when he was only 3. Well, really when he was 1.
- Hawkeye didn’t know of him until he got back, but that wasn’t the point.
- She paved the way for five more children, who he loved for the same but different reasons.
- Sabrina and Katelyn we’re on his back and he was holding Baylee with his arms.
- The pair cried on each other’s shoulder as both their hearts twisted with pain and grief.
- Because Toby was sitting on the floor and the lunging President was standing, CJ’s maneuver ended up as more of a tackle than a block.
Masters of the Run-On Sentence
- When I got back with my ex fiancé, we weren’t engaged because I chickened out, but we were so in love in collage, anyway, She was married by then and cheating on her husband with me.
- After a few hours of putting up with Hawkeye’s constant lame pick up lines that at this point just made her laugh which was what he was looking for anyway, BJ and Kellye showed up to relieve them.
Fun with Hyperbole!
- Margaret woke up feeling happy for the first time in Korea.
- Margaret couldn’t be in a better mood for someone living in Korea in the middle of a war.
- And he took her home and never left.
Unfortunate Word Switches
- You are the love of my life. I promise that I will take care of you forever, and love you even longer. You are the ‘something’ that is missing in my life. I may not be Prince Charming, but I love all of you. Including your faults, and the fact that you’re thirty two,” he assed with a smile.“Will you marry me?”
- She had scratched herself to the point she was bleeding. Hawkeye immediately picked her up and placed her on the counter to whip the blood away.
- “Thanks. You wanna go get a burger in town? The just built a McDonalds near by.”
Pushing the Romance Envelope
- Kelly glanced at the tape outline of the body on the carpet, and then at a woman in the bedroom who looked like she’d been crying, who was now wearing handcuffs, dangling like trendy S&M bracelets around her wrists, while talking to the homicide detective’s partner.
- Each of her limbs—creamy, sensitive skin left exposed by the tangled sheets at the foot of bed and striped by the light-shadow-light staccato of the sunbeams—seemed to move of its own volition so that her usually graceful body was rendered somewhat ungainly by the discordant shifting of its parts.
- She knew next to nothing about him except the basics, like his name and such.
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